


A taste like regret

by FallingFast (UnderlandsCreator)



Series: In the light, a shadow lies (and hides and waits and wonders) [1]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Child Abuse, Gen, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Prequel, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-05-24 03:28:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6140122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnderlandsCreator/pseuds/FallingFast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Death is tears you aren't worth, and softly pleading voices.</p><p>Death is the taste of a demon's love, bittersweet in your mouth.</p><p>Death is the color of sunshine yellow regret, petal soft in steady hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. There are no...

The buttercups tasted bitter on your tongue.

It's a taste that reminds you of regret, and as petals fall to the floor, reminding you all too much of tears you've long since forgotten how to shed, you feel a bit of that same emotion in your hummingbird fast heart.

 _Regret, not for yourself, but for Asriel, for Toriel, for Asgore. Regret_ _that_ _they couldn't see_ _that_ _loving you came with a price, and that you weren't worth it._

Asriel, the big cry baby, is sobbing softly at your side, and you decide to leave him be, because if he hurts because of what you're doing, it's nothing less than he deserves.

 _But_ _that's_ _a lie, the only thing that you can ever tell. The only thing that he deserves is the_ _chance_ _to go back, and never meet you in the first place._

Because it was his fault for finding you, his fault for caring, his fault for being blind enough to not see the shadows in your eyes, and the darkness in your smile.

 _But_ , the small voice whispers, one that you've learned to ignore, (another lie, because one thing you know is that you can never escape yourself) _isn't it your fault for calling out? Your fault. Your fault. Your fault._ _You're a broken thing, with knife sharp edges. All you can do is hurt._

You eat another flower, and taste self-loathing. It's familiar, and you barely notice it at all.

For all that he was against the plan from the start, he did nothing to stop you, did nothing to prevent the shadow of death that you could swear you see out of the corner of your eye, creeping closer with every flower that passes through your lips, all because he trusted you, and wasn't that a laugh?

 _After all, you_ _can't_ _trust a demon, didn't he ever learn that? You_ _can't_ _bring dark things into the light, and expect a_ _happy_ _ending._

 _That's_ _not how the world works._

He trusts you, like the kind, softhearted idiot that he is, and all you've done is break his heart. He was happy before he met you, like everyone else always is, and though he would never say anything differently, you know the truth.

You were Fallen before you ever actually fell, a demon, your mother would tell you, that came when people called your name.

 _This is why no one comes when you call them. But he did, Asriel did, and look what that got him. You're a curse, an_ _ill_ _omen through and through._ _Everything's your fault._

You only exist to hurt the people closest to you, and this slow death is more than you deserve for everything you have, and are about to put him through.

 _He told you that he didn't want to,_ _but_ _you didn't listen, you never do. What matters is what_ _you_ _want, and you want the world to burn until_ _it's_ _as black as_ _your_ _pathetic little heart._

Asriel isn't a killer, but he will be for you, and as you eat another flower, your fingers growing numb, you taste nothing but hate, for him, for being dumb enough to trust you, and always, _always_ , for yourself.

 _You destroy everything that you touch. You_ _don't_ _deserve mercy,_ _don't_ _deserve love. The only thing you do deserve is to have_ _the_ _only_ _wish_ _you've_ _ever made granted, to have never existed in the first place, you_ _pleaded_ _to silent stars, but like always, nobody answered._

As you fall to the bed, your strength finally leaving you, Asriel crying out your name softly, over and over and _over_ again, you can't help but believe that you've never been anything besides the demon that your mother whispered that you were, sharp nails digging into your neck as she tried her hardest to silence your lying tongue, and steal your last breath.

You might be a demon, but for once in your life you'll be able to do something good. The monsters will be free, and you'll finally be worth something in death.

You couldn't ask for a better end-

 _In another life you could have loved him. He could have been your brother, and you could have been a family. But in this life you're a demon, and demons_ _can't_ _love._

 _And_ __even__ _if you could, you have no doubt that it would bring pain, just like the rest of you, knife sharp and cutting, and just another thing that Asriel doesn't deserve._

-especially now that you realize that under your own power, you'll be able to grant his wish, and yours.

He'll see the surface, and you'll stop existing, you'll finally disappear, the promise of the mountain holding true.

The thought fills you will determination, and you close your eyes.


	2. ...happy endings.

"I...I'm so.. _so_ _sorry_ Chara. I didn't mean it when I said I doubted you, honest." Asriel whispered, tears streaming down his face as he held one of Chara's hands clasped between both of his.

His eyes were trained on their face, and he tried his hardest to ignore the soft red glow of the small heart floating over their chest, casting him and Chara in its light.

"You're my best friend, _forever,_ and, and I love you, and I'll always trust you, no...no matter what.

"I'm just...not as strong as you, and I know how much you hate waiting, but I just need...a second. .."

He had to stop there, his throat feeling clogged up, and he squeezed Chara's tightly before finally letting go.

He slowly turned to look at the heart, and it bobbed closer to him in response.

This...this was Chara's SOUL, and he approached it carefully, afraid that if he moved too fast it would disappear, or shatter, like his own heart seemed to be making a valiant effort at doing as the reality of everything came crashing down on him.

Asriel cupped Chara's SOUL in trembling hands, and barely managed to hold back the sob building in his throat as it pulsed gently.

Chara lay on their bed, a soft smile on their lips, one of the few he had ever seen them make, and he felt a few more tears slip out, sliding down his already damp cheeks and landing on the yellow stripe on their sweater.

Yellow like sunshine and happiness and buttercups..

He screwed his eyes shut and finally let the sob break free, rocking back and forth on his knees beside the bed, cradling the SOUL close to his chest.

He wasn't able to calm down for what seemed like forever, and he felt pathetic as he tried to keep himself quiet.

He really was a big cry baby like Chara had always teased, but that had to stop now because he had to...he had to keep their promise.

His chest felt oddly warm as he hugged the SOUL completely to him, and even though his eyes were closed, he was still able to make out a brighter flash of red before the warmth disappeared from his arms.

Time seemed to stop, and when the moment passed he felt stronger, powerful, like he could do anything, and nothing would be able to stop him, because in the back of his mind he heard Chara whispering his name.

Asriel smiled, and wiped the tears off of his face. As long as they were still together, nothing else mattered.

He picked Chara up gently and walked out of their room.

They were going to free the monsters, _together,_ just like Chara had promised.

The thought filled him with a feeling that he couldn't identify.

 

* * *

 

Your plan wasn't going to work, and you can't even say that you're surprised, because from the moment awareness came back to you, you were aware of two things; the first of which was that you were dead, and the second was that in that moment when your SOULs fused, you understood Asriel as well as you did yourself, and you knew that regardless of how much he loved you, you were stupid to think that he would ever be able to hurt another person, much less kill them, no matter how much you tried to impress upon him that they were just humans and obviously deserved it. 

 _You, of course, are included in the rest humanity._ _Death_ _is the only thing_ _that_ _you have_ _ever_ _deserved._

Despite all the power you can feel coursing throughout his body, just begging to be used to reduce humanity to ashes, you know that he's just as weak as he always was, and won't use a single bit of it.

 _And no matter what you try to tell yourself,_ _that's_ _a good thing, because Asriel is pure,_ _is_ _better than you, has and always will be. He doesn't deserve to have anymore_ _death_ _on his hands. Yours is enough._

 _He_ _should_ _have never found you._

It's hard to form words the way you are now, so you silently nudge him in the right direction towards your village when he starts to veer off course. It's more than likely that he won't be able to do it, but some part of you is curious to see what will happen when he comes face to face with humans that aren't you.

_After all, you are a demon, through and through, so you urge him forward, despite knowing how useless everything is._

_Even in_ _death_ _you_ _can't_ _do anything right._

_You're going to ruin him._

 

* * *

 

Asriel can feel Chara guiding him, and the knowledge brings a smile to his face.

Soon enough he starts to see signs of life, the backs of small houses, and in the middle, shining like a beacon in the middle of everything are the flowers that Chara told you about, bright like drops of sunshine.

Asriel walks to the center of the village, and he smiles at the humans he can see coming out of their houses as he comes closer.

They don't smile back.

 

* * *

 

If you still had a body, you know that by now your voice would be hoarse with how much you're screaming, because Asriel _won't move_. He's just, just _standing_ _there_ as the very people you wanted dead, hurt one of the three people you have ever loved.

It's stupid, it's pathetic, it's _pointless_ , and _why_ _won't_ _he move!?_

 _But of course he wouldn't, because he trusts you, he loves you, and_ _he's_ _guilty. Soul to soul_ _it's_ _like his thoughts are yours, and you know that he stands there, unmoving, your corpse in his arms,_ _because_ _he feels like he_ _deserves_ _it, and he does, doesn't he? After all, it is his_ _fault_ _that you're dead._  

 _This is_ _guilt_ _and love and regret and penance._

 _This is what_ _it_ _means to love a demon._

 _It's_ _all your fault._

 

* * *

 

Asriel froze. As soon as he saw Chara laying down on the yellow flowers, he was hit with a feeling worse than he had ever felt before, because _what had he done._

That was his brother on the ground in front of him, _dead_ , because of _him,_ because, because he... he gave them the flowers, _he_ did this.

He hurt them after promising that he would keep them safe, he...he was _horrible._

Nothing was worth what he was feeling right now, absolutely nothing, not freedom, not happiness, not even everyone's hopes and dreams when he was frozen in place, guilt making him feel a thousand pounds heavier.

He barely noticed the stones and sticks and whatever else was being thrown at him, the fierce shouts and screams filling the air like nearly inaudible whispers.

Maybe. ..maybe he could fix this. He had Chara's SOUL, so if he just put it back inside their body, then everything would be alright again.

Freedom wasn't worth it if it came at the cost of people being hurt, and nothing would ever be worth his family.

Asriel knelt down to pick Chara up, and then everything faded to black **.**

 

* * *

 

The first thing you want to do a soon as you gain control is burn the village and everyone in it, including yourself, to the ground until there is nothing left, not even ash.

But Asriel comes first and you need to get him away from here-

_You never should have came. Pointless. Pointless. Pointless._

-before they hurt him more than they already have.

So much for you supposedly being the future of all monster kind, (humans not included).

You couldn't even save Asriel, so what good were you?

 _But_ _you_ _know the answer to that, have always known. You_ _aren't_ _good, or kind, or nice. No, you're evil and selfish and all you do is cause pain._

_You're human._

The walk back seems to take forever, your useless body like a lead weight in arms that aren't yours, and all the way back you can't help but wish that you had let Asriel talk you out of the plan.

 _He almost did, back in that time_ _when_ _the world was_ _still_ _whole_ _and_ _your_ _death_ _wasn't_ _on his hands. He_ _almost_ _did, but one look at his happy face as he stood with Toriel and Asgore was enough to convince_ _yourself_ _that you had to go through with it, no matter what,_ _because_ _they deserved better._

 _If they wanted the world, who were_ _you_ _to not try your hardest to give it to them?_

But no, you had to be yourself, and now look at where you were, dead, Asriel hurt, and with nothing to even show for it.

How pathetic were you?

 _What you hate more_ _than_ _anything_ _else is everything that you put him through, all for nothing. How_ _dare_ _you_ _make_ _him think that he is_ _anything_ _less than as near to perfect_ _as_ _a_ _person_ _could be?_

 _His SOUL is quiet, but_ _you can_ _feel the_ _guilt_ _that you_ _caused_ _eating away at_ _him_ _like poison._

 _How typical. You're hurting him again. Even in death, all_ _you can_ _ever_ _ _do is hurt.__

_You regret not telling him that in life, there are no happy endings._

_You regret ever letting him_ _believe_ _otherwise._

_You regret._

You barely make it a few steps into the thrown room, wearing Asriel's body like an ill-fitting skin, before you lose control and he gains it back.

Even now, despite everything, he still holds you gently, and you feel his pain and guilt and heart ache for one more second before everything fades to dust, and for the first time ever, you are finally nothing.

 _Selfish, until the end. You got your wish, and now_ _he's_ _dead._

 _Darkness consumes you, and in_ _the_ _nothing, a shadow grins and waits._


	3. Chara

 

 _I place my trust,_  
_In unfeeling stars,_  
_That grant my wishes,_  
_In my dreams_

 _They shine,_  
_Like unshed tears,_  
_My hopes,_  
_My regrets,_  
_My unvoiced fears,_  
_Sleep,_  
_Sleep,_  
_Sleep._

 _When I wake,_  
_Will they wake too?_  
_I wonder and ask,_  
_My night sky heart,_  
_My thoughts,_  
_Drifting,_  
_In endless,_  
_Black_

 _I mourn,_  
_For unloved hearts,_  
_And unlived lives,_  
_For time lines crossed,_  
_And broken ties_

 _But Hope appears,_  
_A shining light,_  
_Cradled,_  
_in shadowed hands,_  
_That grip Us tight_

 _Our only choice,_  
_A forward march,_  
_Towards the boy,_  
_With a missing heart,_  
_Sunshine yellow,_  
_like death,_  
_And a taste like regret_

 _So within the light,_  
_Where shadows lie,_  
_I, the Voice,_  
_They, the Mind,_  
_The shadow grins,_  
_And trails behind,_  
_A darkness with,_  
_A thousand eyes_

 

 

 


End file.
